Ray Atkinson started this blog in 2014 when he moved from his childhood home in Kannapolis, NC (Walk Score of 0) to get his Master of Urban and Regional Planning degree from Portland State University (Walk Score of 100). He has never owned a car despite living in Memphis, TN. His email is gismap1@gmail.com https://www.linkedin.com/in/rayplans
I published the first part of this series about two years ago. I wish that I could report that my goal to settle down was closer to being achieved. At least I now live in a city where I can afford to purchase my first home, which I plan to do later this year or in 2025. I had envisioned making this purchase with a partner, but dreams do not always come true.
While the below Dense City podcast did not make me feel more hopeful about achieving this goal, I wanted to share it because I think it covers some of the barriers that I am encountering as I struggle to settle down anywhere in the United States. I am concerned that changing what people, especially my dates, think about my car-free lifestyle and their travel behavior is very tough and slow. I doubt these changes will happen fast enough for me to settle down. I should clarify that I am hoping that American society shifts how it views car dependency and the need to own and drive a car to be attractive to a potential partner.
I think trying to change my future girlfriend’s desire to date a man who owns and drives a car would be a red flag for her. Due to how stressful this would be for me, I also see this as a red flag for me. I have resisted when my dates have tried to change my car-free lifestyle, so I feel it would be unfair to expect my date to change for me. What do you think it will take for American society to shift how it views car dependency and the need to own and drive a car to be attractive to a potential partner? When do you think this shift will happen?
Future Blog Post
Hopefully, the third part in this series will be more promising. While I keep feeling pressure from my family and many friends to buy a car and start driving, I know even these people are pressuring me because they want me to settle down with a loving wife. Since I am not getting any younger, I am honestly feeling closer to succumbing to the pressure than at any other point in my life. I may have to decide between continuing my car-free lifestyle and buying a car to attract my future wife. I sometimes wish that I had been born before the car was invented because I would not have had to make this tough decision.
I have been asking myself about how self-driving cars could impact my car-free lifestyle. I wanted to write this post to document this thought. I am curious to see whether I will look back at this post someday and be amazed by actually owning a fully self-driving car. Since I currently avoid buying a car because I do not want to drive, I feel the availability of fully self-driving cars could result in me feeling comfortable enough to buy a car. As you may know, fully self-driving cars do not exist yet.
While I do not want my future girlfriend to pressure me into buying a car, my previous dates have asked me what it would take for me to buy a car. I usually answer them by saying that I do not plan to buy a car, and I am not open to changing my car-free lifestyle. Since not having a car is viewed in American culture as being poor, which is frustrating when other cultures do not have this viewpoint, I clarify that I can afford to buy a car. I just choose a car-free lifestyle. Due to the potential of self-driving cars, I have been changing my answer to sharing that I may purchase a fully self-driving car when it is available to purchase. Do you want to buy a self-driving car?
Could this be a photo of Ray someday?
My friend, Parisa, and I nerded out about this video today. Parisa shared the video with me. Since she is from Iran, I have also enjoyed learning more about Persian culture from her. She has enjoyed learning more about American culture from me. She is a PhD student researching AI technology at a university in Memphis. I enjoy having friends who want to have nerdy conversations with me. While I realize that AI technology is not perfect, I want to at least give AI experiments a chance. What do you think it will take for American culture to support self-driving cars as a way to achieve Vision Zero?
Future Blog Post
I have been working on the Safe Streets and Roads for All (SS4A) Action Plan. Since the SS4A grant requires that I keep the media informed about my work, I am confident that I will have media interviews to share in the future.
April update: Ray determined he actually is not demisexual.
I want to apologize for any confusion that my demisexual post caused. I misunderstood the below difference. I just prefer to wait to have sex.
It’s important to keep in mind that there is a difference between waiting for a relationship to get serious before having sex and only having sexual attraction at all if a relationship — platonic or romantic — becomes serious.
I am going to filter what I share in this post more than usual because I am nervous that I could disclose something that I would regret. Since I value the friendships that I have with some of my previous dates, I do not want to lose these friendships by sharing something that could make them feel uncomfortable. I realize people usually write about their dating thoughts in a private journal. I am deciding to publicly share my dating thoughts in hopes that it spurs more discussion and encourages people to feel more comfortable sharing their own dating thoughts. Due to the national mental health crisis and how psychiatrists keep telling me that they are too busy to schedule a new patient until February, I hope that this post can help someone find a place to discuss what they are thinking as they wait to meet with a psychiatrist.
As I have shared in previous posts, I have struggled with dating and improving my work-life balance. My car-free lifestyle already makes dating in the car-dependent US challenging. While my family and many friends have encouraged me to buy a car to improve my dating chances, especially since I can afford to buy and maintain a car, I have so far resisted their advice. I am holding out hope that I will marry a woman who is attracted to my car-free lifestyle. I actually went on dates in Memphis, Portland, DC, and the San Francisco Bay Area with car-lite women who supported my car-free lifestyle. I am still friends with some of them.
Due to the mental and physical health benefits of walking and biking, I honestly find it surprising that some of my previous dates have viewed my car-free lifestyle as a red flag. Yes, I realize driving is faster than walking or biking in most places in the US. As someone who values slowing down and trying to live in the moment, I wish more people in the US would understand how slowing down our lives can improve our personal health and the health of our communities. In case you are wondering how slowing down can improve the health of our communities, I recommend reading this post that I published.
Why is dating a demisexual viewed as a red flag?
Informing my date that I identify as demisexual feels like another red flag because few of my previous dates have enjoyed finding out about this preference. I originally thought women would view dating a demisexual as a green flag due to how important I thought creating a strong emotional bond is to having a healthy, long-term relationship.
My dates have been more interested in rushing to have sex than creating a strong emotional bond before having sex. Since a woman has never wanted to discuss the possibility of having sex with me, it felt good to finally (yes, I am 33) have a woman say that she was attracted enough to discuss our sexual preferences. Despite being emotionally and physically attracted to her, I did not want to rush having sex. I wanted to develop our emotional bond further. I am very thankful that she was willing to be honest with me about how we did not have good enough chemistry to have sex.
I am adding this paragraph on February 27, 2024. I am still close friends with the woman who broke up with me on Christmas Eve. Since I am 33 years old, like the man who shared his straight sex experience difficulties in this article, I am thankful to my friend that she did not have sex with me to just be kind. I honestly do not know if I would have had the courage to break up with her to prevent us from experiencing what the couple in the article is experiencing. Getting a taste of being physical with her was an amazing experience. Hopefully, someday, I will meet a woman who feels the same way. I definitely do not want to be the only person who has an amazing experience when being physical. We are enjoying our friendship, which may not have been possible if she did not have the courage to tell me that she wanted to be friends instead of lovers.
I feel that my previous dates’ desire to rush to have sex meant that they only wanted to have a short-term relationship with me. I thought we were on the same page about wanting a long-term relationship. While we could have been on the same page, I find it interesting how differently we approached nurturing the long-term relationship. I do not want to embarrass my previous dates, so I am just going to share that we agreed to be friends instead of lovers. Thankfully, some of my previous dates have become close and supportive friends. What do you think of me being a demisexual? Since many people do not seem to really understand what it means to be demisexual, do you understand what a demisexual is?
Due to how important I thought creating a strong emotional bond is to having a healthy, long-term relationship, I related to what is written in this post. I hope to someday meet a woman who desires me for being a demisexual. We can be nerds and do fun, non-sexual activities together as we strengthen our emotional bond before discussing sex. I honestly have never had a dating relationship last long enough to create a strong emotional bond. I wish I knew how much time I would need to create a strong emotional bond with a date. Maybe I will learn this about myself in 2024!
I added the below Instagram post because it relates to how I am feeling about my previous dating experiences. I enjoyed reading the supportive comments below the post. I am glad to see I am not alone in wanting to use this approach to dating.
Due to how much I relate to the nerds in The Big Bang Theory and their dating struggles, I am not surprised that I found a relevant clip about postponing sex. The relevant part starts in the second half of the clip, but the entire clip is funny. Do you think a woman that wants to postpone sex like Leslie Winkle exists in real life?
I actually found a more extreme dating situation from Sheldon and Amy’s date night experiment. I realize this experiment just shows actors, but I like how patient Amy was to plan this type of non-sexual date two years into dating Sheldon. Yes, even I laughed at the idea of not having sex with someone after dating for two years!
I plan to return to my normal blogging style in the future. I am excited to share more about the Safe Streets and Roads for All (SS4A) Action Plan process that I am managing. I hope 2024 brings all of us personal and professional things to love and care about!
The first Sunday in May, which is today, is National Ride A Bike Day. The League of American Bicyclists created this day in 2021, so it is a recent addition to National Bike Month. As I shared in my last post, May is also National Mental Health Awareness Month. My personal connection between National Ride A Bike Day and National Mental Health Awareness Month is that I felt depressed biking alone today. While my close California friend, Stephen (not Stephan who lives in Minnesota), lives too far away in rural Clearlake Oaks to go on bike rides with me, we are hoping to plan a future bike ride someday. Stephen is excited to try riding my e-bike when we can find a safe test ride location in Petaluma. This was the closest I got to biking with someone today. I am also excited that an asexual (we met through OkCupid with my original thought of dating) female Windsor friend wants to bike with me someday. Our first attempt to bike together in and near Windsor was canceled due to light rain forcing the bike shop to cancel all bike rentals. I still cannot believe the bike shop canceled our rentals due to light rain!
Continuing Ray’s Settle Down Topic
While I also need male friends, most of whom have respected my desire to be friends and not lovers (I am recovering from almost getting raped by a male leader), I do not want to lose track of my “settle down” topic. Before I share political thoughts, I want to be clear that I know many moderates and conservatives who share my perspective on creating mixed-use neighborhoods that are safe to walk, bike, and ride transit in. Since I believe education is needed to create behavior change and know many moderates and conservatives who value increased property values, I want to encourage moderates and conservatives to research the return on investment (ROI) of investing in mixed-use neighborhoods that are safe to walk, bike, and ride transit in. I realize that I could share the research that I have already done on this topic. Due to my curiosity about the approach that moderates and conservatives use to research this topic, will you please share what research you found and the approach that you used to find the research?
I wanted to share the below tweets because I believe they relate to my struggle to meet and settle down with a non-asexual woman who is passionate about living in a mixed-use neighborhood that is safe to walk, bike, and ride transit in. I wish more than just liberals favored this type of neighborhood. Since the type of electric vehicle was not specifically mentioned in the Gallup poll, I have to assume that the poll question was asking about electric automobiles. Due to the ride of e-biking, I wish e-biking was taken more seriously in national polls. I am not sure if the Gallup poll asked a separate question about e-biking. Either way, a respondent’s political party was the greatest differentiator in whether Americans were willing to consider electric vehicles.
Add EVs to the list of urban & transportation issues that Americans are politically polarized on…
I copied the following from my last post. I have to use about 40 hours of PTO before it expires at the end of June. Since the rural areas in the Central Coast do not have connected and reliable transit services, I decided to plan a car-free vacation to Eureka with day trips to Redwood National Park. Due to Redwood National Park not having extensive public transit service, I am researching other ways to access the trailheads. Assuming the battery can last long enough, I may ride an e-bike rental from Eureka to the park, charge the battery, and then ride it back to Eureka. Hopefully, the battery does not take several hours to charge like my personal e-bike battery. I wish e-bike batteries would charge as fast as fueling a gas-powered car. While I have not refueled a car at a gas station recently, I believe cars can be refueled within a few minutes. I look forward to blogging more about this vacation.
As a single 31-year-old man who has never had a girlfriend (dating but not being in a committed relationship does not count), I struggle every year with how to celebrate Valentine’s Day, which is tomorrow. Many of my closest friends and coworkers are married with kids and have settled down in a home that they own. While I am jealous that they have been able to settle down, I am also thankful for their situation. Since I want to someday get married, have kids, and settle down in a home that I own (how many times do I need to move across the country?!), I have been thinking about how my car-free lifestyle could change when I finally settle down. After watching Motherload, which is an award-winning documentary, I am hopeful that my future family can buy a cargo bike to avoid buying a car.
Due to how my mental health issues make driving an automobile stressful, I am still determined to never buy a car. I realize this decision may prevent me from ever being in a committed relationship and having kids. The online dating profiles for many American women (women in other countries could be different) show they are not willing to date someone who does not own a car. OkCupid even asks the below question!
Source: OkCupid
How did people meet someone who is okay being married to a car-free person?
I am not sure how Liz Canning, who bought a cargo bike and shared about her car-free lifestyle in Motherload, met her husband. I have also been following Chris and Melissa Bruntlett’s car-free lifestyle with their two children. They sold their car when living in Vancouver, Canada in 2010. As the below video discusses, they moved to Delft, Netherlands in 2019. Matt Pinder, who lives with his wife in a suburb of Ottawa, Canada, ended his seven-year car-free lifestyle in 2021 when he and his wife moved from downtown Ottawa to a suburb of Ottawa. Even though they now own a car, I am curious to see if they accomplish their goal to have their future kids move around independently.
My wife and I hope to raise kids in our house and something we both value is the ability for our kids to move around independently.
Matt Pinder
I have the responsibility to facilitate my department’s weekly meeting on Tuesday. This responsibility includes thinking of a weekly sharing topic, which helps us get to know each other better. While Jairaj Singh’s Facebook post is only viewable by friends, I found my weekly sharing topic through his post. I plan to ask my coworkers, “If you could have any question answered, what would it be?” I ask myself the following question every Valentine’s Day: “Will I ever get to celebrate Valentine’s Day with a girlfriend?” My long-term goal is to settle down in a home that I own with a wife and kids.
Future Blog Post
In addition to blogging more about how settling down could impact my car-free lifestyle, I am still planning my car-free Tucson vacation, which is March 26-April 3.
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